tangled words (lotusk) wrote,
tangled words
lotusk

I'm Sorry

Title: I'm Sorry
Pairing: Chanyeol/Jongin
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, mild angst, fluff, smut
Length: Oneshot (~2.6k)
Summary: Chanyeol and Jongin have been together for years. But sometimes all it takes is one thing to end it all.


Chanyeol reaches his arm out and his palm is so close he can almost feel the warmth of Jongin's back beneath his fingertips. He's been learning and exploring those contours for so long now that he knows every dip and low intimately and he aches to just touch ... but he loses courage and his hand falls lifelessly to the mattress with a muted thud. The sound doesn't wake Jongin but he shifts uneasily on his side of the bed and Chanyeol wants to rouse him, fold his arms and legs securely around his slumbering lover and pull him close but the meagre two inches of space between them is like an invisible rift he can't cross.

The cold moonglow has bathed the room in a ghostly aura and Chanyeol sighs as he folds his arm beneath his head and stares up at the ceiling. The shadows that quiver and move across the plaster ceiling are like the shadows between Jongin and him. They used to talk about everything but now there are tracts of silence between them which seem to stretch longer and longer as the days pass. He wants things to be the way they were but he doesn't know how to fix this broken thing they've become. He doesn't know why Jongin's become so cold. Well, he knows how it started but not why it's gone on so long.

Chanyeol admits he shouldn't have told his boss that he wanted to be a part of that project in Japan without speaking to Jongin first. Jongin had been really upset when Chanyeol had casually told him that he might be in Osaka for two months. It hadn't been like their occasional quarrels where they fought over something trivial and shouted at each other for six to eight minutes before one of them tackled the other one and shut him up with a brutal kiss. Bodies flushed with adrenalin and pulses racing, they would stumble to the floor or sofa or bed (whichever was nearest at the time) and have intoxicating make up sex. It's always been like this for them - impetuous conflicts that almost always ended with them wrapped languidly in each other's arms. The frigid silence and distance of the last five days are not something that Chanyeol understands. He's tried talking to Jongin about why he's shut him out but Jongin keeps finding excuses to leave the room.

Chanyeol's always been too impulsive (Jongin calls it selfish and he has a point) and it's a flaw which has caused him grief in the past but nothing has ever wounded him as much as Jongin's impassive rejection and refusal to discuss things. They're still civil ... I'm taking the dog for a walk. I'm working late. I won't be having dinner. But the easy companionship, teasing remarks and warm cuddles they've always shared, these have evaporated like mist in a rainstorm.

He blinks and stares at the red LCD digits on the alarm clock to his right.

1.47 am.

He grimaces. Maybe he'll actually fall asleep by 3 am if he's lucky. Turning, he stares at Jongin's back and the elegant lines of his angular, broad shoulders. It's summer and Jongin's never liked the constricting sensation of fabric against his skin. He's always liked sleeping nude when the weather is warm. He's always liked the way the smooth cotton sheets feel beneath his skin and the sensual rub of Chanyeol's bare back and bare chest against his own.

But that was before. For the past six days, Jongin's been sleeping in tank tops and t-shirts and boxer shorts. They've been sleeping beside each other every night but they haven't made love since the quarrel and Chanyeol misses the silken whisper of light caramel skin and the erotic pressure of Jongin's lips on his pale ivory skin. He misses that feeling of being whole which only comes from Jongin filling him up, from Jongin gliding sensually in and out, his hips moving in a rhythm they've created all on their own over the years. He craves Jongin's breathy moans as they drift across the surface of his shoulders and upper back while Jongin's hipbones pound against the lean curves of his ass.

When it's Chanyeol who takes charge, Jongin feels like a tight wet glove around him and the first time he enters always leaves Chanyeol overwhelmed by unbearable ecstasy. He'll never tire of Jongin's exotic features; he'll never get over how beautiful Jongin looks when he's overcome with rapture. And he'll always love the way their fingers lace together feverishly on the mattress and the way Jongin's eyelashes fan across his cheek, his eyes closed in ecstasy as Chanyeol rides him till they both cry out each other's names.

Chanyeol wants things to be the way they used to be so much there's a dull, hollow ache carved deeply into his chest. He just wants the pain to stop so badly that he ignores their impasse and caresses Jongin's dark hair - the ebony filaments like satin between the tips of his fingers. Jongin is a toucher - he's never had reservations about leaning his head on Chanyeol's shoulder and laying his head in his lap when they laze around on the couch. Jongin likes giving him unexpected back hugs where he'll rest his cheek against Chanyeol's upper back muscles. And he always positions his legs so that there's contact between their ankles, or knees or shins or thighs. It's like Jongin constantly needs physical assurance that Chanyeol is actually there with him. This makes the physical chasms and fissures of the present all the more painful. It hurts that Jongin shies away from Chanyeol's every attempt to touch him; it hurts that Jongin determinedly avoids touching Chanyeol himself. Other than the accidental brushes which are inevitable when one shares a bedroom and apartment, Jongin and Chanyeol haven't had any physical contact in six days.

As lightly as he can, Chanyeol strokes the dark strands between his fingertips and prays that Jongin doesn't sense anything. It doesn't come anywhere close to fulfilling Chanyeol's longing for Jongin in his arms but it helps assuage the ache a little. Lulled by his own rhythmic caresses and the nearness of Jongin's scent, Chanyeol's eyelids finally droop shut and his breathing deepens as blessed sleep gradually descends.

***

Jongin's never been a light sleeper and Chanyeol's always envied his ability to sleep through thunderstorms and the thumping bass of the rowdy parties the college kids on the fifth floor have every now and then. But Jongin's been sleeping badly for five days. After three years of falling asleep curled up against Chanyeol's heartbeat and his warmth, Jongin finds that he can no longer sleep through thunderstorms and college parties. He can't even sleep through Chanyeol stroking his hair. His heart and his body want him to turn and nestle in Chanyeol's length and his hard strength but his head stops him. So he pretends he doesn't feel Chanyeol touching his hair. He pretends his skin and his soul aren't waking up and responding to the sensation of Chanyeol's breath kissing his nape. Just like Jongin pretends he doesn't hear Chanyeol's snores as the other man falls asleep while sleep continues to elude Jongin ...

***

"I'm taking Quincy for his walk." Jongin says - his deep voice devoid of all emotion. Beside him, the Parson Russell terrier is positively trembling with excitement at the anticipation of fresh air and exercise. If Quincy is attuned to Jongin's moodiness, he doesn't show it. He's just impatient to get out the front door.

"I'll join you guys," Chanyeol begins to say but the front door has already swung shut behind Jongin's retreating back and shoulders. Part of him is desperate to sprint out the door after them like he's done so many times in the past but a mixture of pride and fear of rejection keep him nailed to the sofa.

Six minutes later he hears the slow faraway rumble of thunder and a flash of lightning illuminates the raindrops outside the window, making them glisten like a myriad cascading crystal teardrops. Stray droplets of rain cling to the glass, taunting Chanyeol, Go to them. Go to him.

Just six seconds of hesitation and Chanyeol's long legs are taking him out of the apartment. The rain is just a degree stronger than drizzle but Jongin and Quincy will be soaked by the time they get back from their usual circuit. Quincy's an active dog and they usually take him for a half hour walk so he can burn off the energy fizzing beneath his skin from being cooped up in an apartment all day.

It takes Chanyeol four minutes to catch up with Jongin who's running haphazardly in the opposite direction. His hair is plastered flat from the wet and beads of water hang off the ends. His skin is sheathed in raindrops and the white tank, rain-soaked and sheer, clings wetly to Jongin. Chanyeol can see the dusky nipples all puckered from the cold. Jongin's expression isn't welcoming but it doesn't make him any less beautiful to Chanyeol. He's missed Jongin's smiles so much. He never even knew he could miss anything as much until it was withheld from him for six days.

Before Chanyeol even knows what his heart has decided, his right arm has reached out and snagged Jongin's waist, reeling him in. There's a smack as their chests collide - Jongin's all wet from the rain and Chanyeol's still mostly dry from being sheltered by the umbrella. The navy blue umbrella drifts and gradually lands on the floor as Chanyeol's palms cup Jongin's rain-slick cheeks and he whispers agains his forehead, "I'm sorry, Jongin. I'm so sorry. I know I screwed up but I can't do this anymore. I miss you so much I just ..." And then Chanyeol doesn't bother to struggle with words anymore and just crushes Jongin's mouth with his own. As Jongin's lips part and their tongues glide against each other for the first time in days, Chanyeol wants to shed tears of relief and maybe he does - he can't tell if those are tears or rain flowing down his cheeks as Jongin's arms reluctantly embrace him and they kiss on the sidewalk.

Dog, umbrella and passersby forgotten, the two men continue to kiss as the rain falls on, and around them. They only stop, laughing awkwardly when Quincy licks their ankles. He's had enough of the rain and of waiting for this silliness to end. He wants to get back to his dry, warm basket by the living room window.

"Let's go home." Chanyeol says quietly as he bends over to pick up the umbrella. He shakes off the raindrops before draping one arm around Jongin. He's about to shield them from the rain when Jongin stops him, "I like the feel of the rain on my skin." And Chanyeol nods - shyly kissing him on the cheek and it pleases him more than anything that Jongin allows it. They don't talk as they make the return journey but Chanyeol knows that Jongin will talk when he's ready. He won't push him. He's euphoric that Jongin and him are touching again and the rest can wait.

***

When they get back to the apartment, Chanyeol asks Jongin to go and have a shower first while he dries Quincy off. Jongin's been locking the bathroom door for the past six days but today he leaves the door ajar. He carefully steps into the hot spray and sighs contentedly as the water warms his bones and his skin. He doesn't have to wait long before he hears a shower curtain being pulled aside and a naked body joins his in the small, shower area.

"Will you wash my hair?" Jongin asks and Chanyeol says yes and fingers are massaging his scalp gently, then rinsing the suds out of his hair. By the time Chanyeol's hands begin kneading his shoulders, Jongin is hard and he can feel Chanyeol's erection nudging his spine. Moaning softly, he turns and kisses Chanyeol, and they rut, their cocks pressing erotically against each other. It's been six days and Jongin whispers, "Now, Yeol. I need you now." And Chanyeol reaches for the bottle of lube they keep on the glass shelf, behind the shampoo and shower gel.

When Chanyeol finally pushes into an eager Jongin, their bodies bracing the wall for support and the rain shower pouring water down on them, he wonders for the second time that night if it's tears flowing down his cheek or rain ...

***

They're lying naked in bed together, Chanyeol spooning Jongin from behind. This is the way they're supposed to be ... together. Jongin and Chanyeol together. Chanyeol and Jongin together. They'd been apart without actually being apart for six days and it had almost killed him. He knows now that he will never survive two months in Japan without Jongin by his side.

"Jongin, I'm telling my boss tomorrow that I'm withdrawing my application for Osaka."

"But why?"

"Because I don't want to leave you for two months. I ... I can't leave you for two months."

"But it's good for your career. You should go. You going to Osaka wasn't what upset me, Yeol. The idea of you going makes me kind of sad, yes, but I was angry because you made such a major decision without talking to me first. We've been together for three years and I think that's long enough that I would expect us to discuss major issues like moving to another country."

"I wasn't thinking."

"I know." Jongin sighs and turns to face Chanyeol. They lie on their sides, looking at each other and the moonlight has cast a luminous kind of glow on their skin. It's eerily beautiful.

"I want you to go to Japan. Quincy and me, we'll still be here when you get back. And there's Skype. And I've got some vacation money stashed away. I could visit. I've always wanted us to go to an onsen together." Jongin's hand strokes Chanyeol's hair.

"Were you thinking about leaving me this time? I mean we've never fought like that and I was really worried that you were thinking about it." Chanyeol watches as his fingers caress Jongin's collarbones - he watches his own fingers so he doesn't have to look into Jongin's eyes. He's scared he'll see something he won't be able to cope with.

And then Jongin's nude body is lying atop his own and his face is hovering above his, "It would take a lot more than a stupid quarrel to make me walk away from you, Park Chanyeol. I've loved you this long, I'm not going to just stop all of a sudden."

"I love you too, Jongin. Don't ever leave me."

"Don't be an asshole and we should be just fine."

"Hey! You sulked for six days," Chanyeol begins to protest but Jongin's kiss silences him and all thoughts of Japan and potential break ups fade into the night as Chanyeol and Jongin rediscover each other's bodies.

Chanyeol and Jongin together. Jongin and Chanyeol together. This is the way they're supposed to be.



A/N: Never thought I'd write anything angsty but I couldn't get this song out of my head and my life so this fic happened. Hopefully Craig David will stop haunting me now even though the story I wrote was a lot happier than the song he sang. I hope you guys will leave me some comments so I know whether I have a future with angst or whether I should just quit otl.

For Kate, who likes Kaiyeol as much as I do and because I just love her so there.

Tags: genre: angst, genre: fluff, genre: hurt/comfort, genre: romance, genre: smut, group: exo-k, length: oneshot, member: chanyeol, member: kai, pairing: kai/chanyeol
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